Nonviolent Communication & Conflict Management

Over the past three years, I have taught kindergarten with the same colleague.  We have two different styles of planning and implementing the curriculum, but we were able to work together by openly sharing ideas of what and how we were doing something without expecting the other to jump on board every time. Of course as colleagues, we have had to learn to adapt to each other's personality.  My colleague is very outspoken about how she feels and what she wants.  I don't like to "rock the boat" and just go with the flow.  I am easily frustrated by my colleague's demands because sometimes I feel that they are selfish and unjustified.  For example, this summer I was involuntarily moved to first grade because of student numbers.  Therefore, my colleague was going to have a large number of kindergartners.  She demanded from the principal that we switch rooms because my room had more physical space. In reality, she had almost as much space in her room, but it appeared less because she had more furniture.  In the end, the principal and I gave in to her demands to avoid the conflict.  The situation was further complicated because it fell upon my shoulders to switch the classrooms because my colleague was on vacation. 

Did I use good conflict resolution strategies? Maybe. I heard her feelings and needs. I met them.  However, my colleague did not hear my feelings or meet my needs because I kept them to myself, which made me feel more frustrated,unsatisfied, and resentful.  To be effective at nonviolent communication, both individuals need to express their feelings, needs, and what they expect from each other.  If the needs for each person can't be met at the same time, then a compromise needs to be worked out that will meet both individuals needs. I believe if I would have expressed what I was feeling and what I needed then I wouldn't have resented switching rooms. I would have wanted to do it to help my colleague, rather than doing it because it was demanded. 

In summary, my conflict management strategies are: 1) openly share information and ideas ; 2) listen, clarify, and respond to others; 3) express clearly you feel and what you expect from others; 4) consider compromise.  

   

Who am I as a communicator?

Surprise

 
After completing the surveys about my communication styles (verbal, listening, speaking), I was not surprised by the results.  I felt they were accurate reflections of how I perceived myself as a communicator.  According to my results and my husband's results, my communication anxiety is situational. I maintain a good balance of respect and consideration for others, argue fairly, and people-oriented. But the one thing that surprised me the most was my colleague's score for verbal aggressiveness.  Her score moved me from the moderately aggressive (good balance of respect and consideration) to significantly (argumentative, personal attacks) aggressive, which I feel is not an accurate representation of my communication style. On the other hand, I could easily see how she would have scored me slightly higher in this category because I work with her daily and we share a lot of our frustrations (about other people) with one another.    
 

Insights

This week I have learned that my personal schemas influence my perceptions and assumptions about new people.  It's natural for any person to do the same thing, but how we use our perceptions/assumptions impacts the effectiveness of our communication.  According to O'Hair & Wiemann (2009), we need to remove perceptional barriers by being mindful of variations within a group, remember individuals have multiple identities and exist in co-cultures, learning more about other groups, and understanding how schemas influenced our perceptions.  As an early childhood professional,  this insight is significant in working with children and families.  I need to take the opportunity to learn more about the children and families in an effort to be mindful and aware of who they are and what they value without making assumptions.
 
Another insight that I've gained this week is that the content our communication can influence other's perceptions of us.  Although I might not be argumentative or personally attack someone during a conversation, my communication with others about the conversation with a person (that I disagree with) can reflect significant verbal aggressiveness.  I guess my mindlessness about venting my frustrations allowed me to forget how it reflects upon my communication style and effectiveness. 
 

Reference

O’Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Picture retrieved from: http://brentdavisgolf.blogspot.com/2011/05/communication-in-golf-lesson.html

Cultural Communication

This week I have learned about cultural myopia, or the idea that one's culture is superior to others.  Additionally, I have learned about the "Platinum Rule" and how it can be applied to communicaiton with diverse groups.  At first reflection, I am tempted to say that I don't communicate differently with culturally diverse people in my every day life, but I think I have become so comfortable in communicating with them that it is very natural.  According to Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond (2010), people who interact with one another over time tend to communicate in similar ways (p. 93). However, I do communicate differently with each person based on our experiences together. For example, the art teacher at my school never smiled or talked to me the first year that I worked at our school.  I always felt that I had pissed her off some how.  Four years later, I have realized that she does not like working with young children (I taught K).  Therefore, I had to learn to look past the frown, sour face as part of who she is and look for things that we had in common, such as our dogs, as starting point for positive communication.  Our religion is also night and day, so I am careful not to mention anything religious around her.

Strategies for Effective Communication

1. Don't take it personal. Get to know the other person first.  “Expanding the world inside one’s own head is the means to understanding people who are different from one’s self, and it goes way beyond just celebrating differences in ethnic foods, music, and customs. By acknowledging that each person has a different reality, you take the first step toward beginning to understand it.” (Gonzales-Mena, 2010, p. 36)
2. Find common ground. "We build bridges with others who are different from us when we can identify something we may have in common with them." (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2010, p. 103).
3. Be flexible. As we learn about another person, we should adapt our communication style by being mindful of their differences.
4. Apply the "Platinum Rule".  Learning to communicate effectively requires us to consider the other persons perspective (thoughts, feelings, etc...).

References
Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2011). Interpersonal communication: Relating to others (6th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

Gonzalez-Mena, J. (2010). 50 strategies for communicating and working with diverse families. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Last Man Standing communication

I watched an episode of ABC's Last Man Standing.  I had seen previews for the show, but never watched an episode before. Here is a link the episode that I watched for this assignment:  http://abc.go.com/watch/last-man-standing/SH55126594/VD55176266/ding-dong-ditch

I learned that you can't communicate everything with nonverbal skills.  I had made many assumptions about what the conversations were about, but in reality I wasn't 100% correct.  For example, in the opening scene the dad and his daughter are wathcing TV and eating a snack.  The mom/wife comes in the room talking to both of them, but gets little response.  She seemed frustrated.  I assumed she was frustrated with her husband for not doing something, but in reality she was upset that both of them spent so much time watching TV and the family never talked anymore. 

I learned that you can read a person's feelings about something by wathcing their facial expressions and body language.  You may not be able to discern what is causing the emotion, but you can see it.  For example, the prankster's father visits the family.  His face is stern, not smililng.  His body is rigid, stiff, and upright.  Later when I watched with the sound, I found out he was upset about his son being hurt and was planning to sue the family if they didn't pay for his son's hospital bill.

Also, I learned that we can misinterpret nonverbal communication skills when we do not know the context of a situation. For example,  there was an older gentleman at the outdoorman's shop, who I assumed to be the boss, and a young, dimwitted, college-aged, male employee that had fallen off a ladder earlier in the episode.  In a final scene of the episode, the older boss calls the younger employee into his office. He gestures for the young employee to sit in his seat behind the desk, take some cigars, and shows him a pamphlet.  I assumed the boss was just being nice and offering him some benefits of being an employee.  However, when I watched the episode with sound I had missed an entire conversation about legalism from the family dad in the taping of a commercial for the store that continued after the commercial was finished.  If I had know about this prior conversation, I would have known that the boss's actions had an underlying motive.

With these insights in mind, I think we have to be careful not to jump to conclusions when we observe children and their families.  We do not always know the context of a situation based on observations alone.  We need to be aware of all types of communication and understand that our prior knowledge influences our perceptions of others or events.  I think we need to be aware of how we present ourselves, too.



 

What is communication?

Communication is the way a person uses symbols and behaviors to share and receive information (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2009). It is something that I have found challenging from time to time.  However, my friend and previous colleague was a great communicator.  Many times I found myself admiring her ability to captivate an entire roomful of teachers whenever she shared information, which can be difficult since teachers are notorious for being "talkers." Her personality was very bubbly, energetic.  She was not fearful of speaking out or voicing her opinion about an issue.  At the same time, she was able to listen to our ideas and find creative ways of intertwining them with ours.

Certainly, I would love to model her ability to listen to others ideas and be able to quickly interweave with them with my own because it shows you care about other's perspectives and value you their input.  I think a significant part of communicate is listening which I do really well.  However, I fall short when it comes to expressing my own ideas because I don't want to offend others or sometimes I feel insecure or lack confidence. Therefore, I am hesitant to speak up quickly or share out ideas.  Often, I am fearful that others won't accept my perspective and perhaps this fear was created by ineffective communication from others.      

"The basic building block of good communications is the feeling that every human being is unique and of value."

— Unknown